Jochen Lüders

Englisch & Sport am Gymnasium / Tango & Tanzfeste

How to Lose Points & Influence Your Teacher

… when you answer Questions on the text. The following 25 time-tested methods of irritating your teacher and persuading him to deduct (ab­ziehen) points and lower your grade will surely work for you, too.

  1. Do not read all the questions before you start working. Quickly scan the text and then start immediately with the one you like best. When you later on discover that you have already answered a question, write „As I have already said in …“.
  2. Do not give any clues (Hinweise) like question numbers.
  3. Teachers just love repetitions, that is why you should repeat yourself as often as possible (“As I have already said before …”).
  4. Do not leave any blank lines between the different answers. Your whole test should be one long block of text; like this you will save a lot of paper and help the forests.
  5. Try to make as many insertions (Ergänzung) as possible. Do not mark your insertion so that your teacher experiences a happy surprise when he suddenly discovers something on the last page that belongs to your first answer.
  6. Never put insertions close to the answer it belongs to. If your answer consists of three sentences, the insertion should be at least four sentences and there should be at least one page in between; if necessary you may add something to an insertion on the very last page.
  7. Mark all your insertions with an asterisk*. Do not use any clear marks like superscript (hochgestellt) numbers, they would spoil the fun of working out which insertion belongs to which answer.
  8. Do not answer the different parts of a question in the given order. Always start with the last one, write one sentence concerning the first one and then continue with the last again.
  9. Save paper and write across the margins. Your teacher will be happy that he will not have to write too many comments.
  10. Write illegibly. If you cannot, your handwriting should be as tiny as possible. Practice this at the bottom of each page.
  11. If you are not sure how to spell a word, simply write your second version over the first one. This method is especially efficient with vowels. Your teacher just loves to find out whether it is supposed to be an a, an o or maybe a u.
  12. Do not stick to the point. Do not even say what the point is. Just waffle on (schwafeln) about anything that comes to your mind. Your teacher will be happy that you know so much and will pick out the things he likes and ignore the rest.
  13. Do not reveal the source of any of your conclusions, interpretations etc. Never ever give any line numbers, they would spoil the teacher’s fun to search for the passage you might refer to.
  14. Do not use any quotation marks. Let the teacher find out himself whether you used your own words or not.
  15. If a quotation does not fit into your sentence, simply change it. If necessary just leave out un­necessary words like not.
  16. Do not begin a new paragraph for a new aspect, argument etc. Teachers just love one looong block of text, because it is so much more entertaining for the teacher to work out himself where e.g. a new argument begins.
  17. Under no circumstances indent the first line of a new paragraph. Make sure that the last line of the previous paragraph goes to the very right margin so that everything is neatly packed into one long para­graph.
  18. Do not provide connectives and signal words. Simply connect all your sentences with And.
  19. Include plenty of hackneyed (abgedroschen) phrases (“We are all individuals and everyone must decide for themselves”) and avoid any alternatives to (rather / very) good / bad.
  20. Either run sentences together without full stops or write sentence fragments or alternate the two forms. Alternatively just write a bulleted list or keywords. The teacher will appreciate your efficiency.
  21. Keep changing between present and past tense, even within the same sentence. This shows your flexibility.
  22. Make sure your pronouns do not refer to anything or anyone in particular.
  23. Sprinkle (verteilen) dots everywhere. Full stops simply look good and activate the reader. As an alternative you could leave out all punctuation marks.
  24. Do not do any revising or proofreading. This would surely raise your grade.
  25. Never ever use your dictionary! When you come across an unknown word, just look at the ceiling or out of the window and guess its meaning. As you know there are a lot of similarities between English and German, so simply take the German word and make it English: bekommen = become, bewahren = beware, aktuell = actual etc. However if you HAVE to use a dictionary, simply take the first word that is given as a translation, regardless if it fits the context or not. Thus you can create timeless teacher favourites (“The neckline from the roman …”) which will be quoted in your memory in the teachers’ lounge for years to come.“

Allusion in the title …

Vorheriger Beitrag

My Day

Nächster Beitrag

HW Conditional Sentences Type II

  1. Chrissie

    Super klasse! Ich habs ein bisschen geändert* und werde es meinem LK morgen reinreichen!
    *z.B.
    „If you HAVE to use the dictionary, simply use the first word that is given as a translation, regardless if it fits to the situation or not. You can create such timeless teacher favourites like “The neckline from the roman…” which will be quoted in your memory in the teachers’ lounge for years to come.“

  2. Nils Andersen

    Yo made my day… thank you 😉

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