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Topic: The Internet – A Dangerous Addiction?

Title doesn’t refer to / fit main part.

Title: Stairway to Addiction (cf. Led Zeppelin: Stairway to Heaven)

Main part claims that Internet is NOT addictive.

Introduction doesn’t introduce the topic.

Recently a young man died after he had played an online game for several days without almost any interruption. This caused a controversial debate.

Introduction only announces what the writer is going to do.

In the following I’m going to discuss whether the Internet can lead to dangerous addiction.

Introduction introduces different  topic.

Recently a young man died after he had played an online game for several days without almost any interruption. This caused a controversial debate about the question whether certain online games should be prohibited.

Main part: No topic sentence.

Wrong: First of all on sites like PokerStars.com you can lose a lot of money.

First of all online games can be highly addictive. On sites like PokerStars.com you can lose a lot of money, because you easily lose track of how much money you’ve already lost. […]

Main part: Topic sentence doesn’t fit the following examples.

First of all online games can be highly addictive. Some people for example feel a strong pressure to check their email all the time. […]

Main part: More than one aspect / topic per paragraph.

First of all online games can be highly addictive. On sites like PokerStars.com you can lose a lot of money, because you easily lose track of how much money you’ve already lost. Also chat rooms can be very addictive, because …

Conclusion doesn’t fit introduction and/or main part.

Main part: There’s a serious danger of addiction

Conclusion: All in all you can say that the dangers of addiction are greatly exaggerated.

Conclusion is a pure repetition of main part.

Finally online games can be highly addictive. […]

All in all you can say that online games can be highly addictive.

Conclusion presents new argument.

All in all I think that the dangers of addiction are greatly exaggerated. For example online games in general don’t make people addicted. […]